Your love is patient, your love is kind
I want to restore it to you but I am at war in my mind
I feel like I am not enough anymore
Every time you look at me like that, my heart gets sore
If only you could see how hard I’m fighting
Maybe you’ll realize how much I love you, babe I’m trying
My thoughts are filled with feeling doubtful and guilty
I try with all of me to push them out discreetly
Depression is killing me from the inside out
I feel so paralyzed in sadness that I can’t even shout
Suicide thoughts aren’t a thing of the past
I am so overwhelmed with guilt, it’s hard to get out of it fast
No matter how hard I try I still feel weak
I just wish I could put a stop to this negative streak
Why can’t I just feel happy?
It’s impossible cause all I feel is crappy
Negativity just starts flooding like a tidal wave
Then I struggle and start to misbehave
I don’t have the words to explain how difficult this is
And I just keep letting you down, and the kids
I need reassurance when I ‘m feeling anxious and scared
Instead I get a conversation of disappointment and it’s too late to care
For all the wrong that I have done to you
Know that I deeply apologize and ask forgiveness from you
My biggest fear is losing the love of my life
Because besides being a mom, I love being your wife
I cannot possibly do this without you
So I’m never giving up until my love is back to being true
I try my best every single day
Although it doesn’t always work I still try, what can I say
I guess you can say that I’m all kinds of crazy
But please don’t mistake that for being lazy
Broken promises is something I regret giving you
I’m trying to redeem myself and become brand new
So I don’t ever do these things to you again
Because I would rather die if you left me in the end
So as of right now I am going through a depression stage. It is so frustrating because you are such a Debbie downer all the time. I actually am trying really hard to fight these negative thoughts and replacing them positive ones and just overall trying to be and feel better than this. It is such a hopeless and difficult mood to have to deal with. Especially because I am the type of person who always likes to have goals lined up whether its big or small. I always look to see how I can improve myself to be a better me. I am so far from perfect, I have so many traits that I would like to change about myself. But when you are experiencing depression it feels like there is this whole block just laying on you and you have no motivation to figure out a way out. All you know and think at the time is helpless, sad, self pity, unworthy, loser, disappointment and whatever negative feeling you can think of. The most annoying part is that you believe and feel it whole heartedly because since you feel it you tend to believe it. I am currently on leave from work and I feel like such a failure at life and a loser that I can’t manage to get up every morning and go to work and work hard like the rest of the world. I have to make myself feel good about myself 24/7 in order to get by and try my best to stay afloat. It seems like when you have bipolar you always have to make and force yourself, or rather train yourself to be uplifting and positive just so you don’t get sucked into that big black hole of depression. Trust me it is very difficult to get out of the deeper you get. So try your best to not go there, but then again sometimes it just hits you like a storm that you didn’t even know was coming, and that’s even worse when you are not prepared or ready for it. Sometimes you can feel it coming and sometimes its like surprise I’m here!!! I am going to keep trying to force my way out of this but in the end depression always wins. Sorry if I am being negative in this post, I am just sharing how I feel cause I am in a depressed mood currently until my mania comes in a bit later. I am going through the rapid cycle of mania and depression right now and I just need somewhere to vent or just talk or say something. Stay strong friends.
A Bipolar Vent
So I have been trying to come up with ideas and goals to move forward with my bipolar. I know what your thinking, how can I come up with ways to help with my bipolar. The thing is the medication only does so much and the rest is up to you. But with the medication it helps a whole lot rather than without because I have been without medication before and I honestly felt totally lost and needed help. With the medication I feel better and I feel like a have a stronger hold on things and I can have an easier time trying to be positive and being and staying in a better mood. The thing that is irritating me is that right now I’m going on a mood roller coaster because I am in the process of changing up my meds and I have been having such a hard time staying focused and trying to feel better. There are things that I would like to stop doing such as smoking and I really want to stop while I am trying to get better. But when my moods act up I crave cigarettes a lot I can’t stop. So my question to you is am I going about it all wrong trying to quit and have goals while I am in emotional hell. Do I try my best to get motivated and try it or do I wait until I feel a little better. With this bipolar moods it feels impossible to do things and stay focused. Your moods keep changing like clock work and I am trying my best not to get any episodes and try to get through this as smooth as possible. As for the other side of me which wants to push myself and challenge myself to quit now because I just don’t want to smoke anymore and I am also smoking more and more so I would like to stop now before it gets any worse. I figure why not get all the fixing done at once and go through hell while I am already going through hell with my moods. It really upsets me when I feel like I am limited to doing things that I actually want to do because of my bipolar. I am sick and tired of letting it run and take over my life and I have no say or anything I just feel what my mood is telling me to feel. I don’t know what part of me to listen to because is it my old self being motivated or is it a bit of my manic that makes me believe that I can do anything that I want to. I hate when I doubt myself when I am not sure if I should actually be listening to myself or not. If I do decide to try it out, I’m not saying that I won’t fail, I want to keep trying until I get it right. But the one thing that I am worried about is if I fail and my depression takes over and makes me feel ten times worse and like a failure. Especially because my depression has been lingering over me for about a week now and I am trying my best and forcing myself to talk to people and stay busy instead of falling into the self pity party and laying in bed all day feeling sad. I just hate not being able to trust myself with my ideas and not sure if its something that I can actually do or if I am way in over my head. Well I will keep you posted on what I decide to do and wish me luck. Stay strong bipolar friends.
What Is A Normal Life With Bipolar
Wow I haven’t been on for a while. I have been in a much better mood lately and I got a new job. I was so happy that things were finally starting to look a bit normal for me. However my doctor adjusted my meds to get to the goal we wanted to be at, and oh boy did that back fire on me. I am now currently temporarily out of work while my medications are being adjusted. I am so frustrated already with putting my life on hold when it comes to my Bipolar, it always seems to find its way back in my life where I have to adjust my life to work around it. The reason I took off of work is because I went from being okay with a few minor bumps along the way to all my moods are elevated and out of whack right now. I know there is no cure for Bipolar and we all have to learn to live with it the best way we possible can. But I just want to be in a position where my meds are good and right dosage and everything and my moods are maintainable. Sometimes I get really discouraged and think man is this how my life is going to be or is there an ending to it. I hate having to be very cautious in life so that I don’t trigger an episode or something like that. Also sometimes it gets so hard having to be kind and patient all the time, just so I can catch myself before I fall. The worst mood I hate is the angry one. I get so angry it looks and feels so ugly and I have no control over it, only when it is done and I have already hurt people or did something or said something wrong already. I just wish I could have it more under control like it was and be able to go to work and help support my family. Bipolar makes doing that just simply impossible at times and I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired of it. Don’t mean to be so negative, it’s just the mood I am in right now. I feel like a total and complete failure because I had to stop working and the negative thoughts are doing a great job at racing through my mind and making me feel worse. I have to make myself see that it is just the medication adjustment again, been there done that, and I didn’t screw anything up. Its just that I feel like I am hitting rock bottom again. Lord please help me with my Bipolar, give me the strength I need to endure it.
The Dark Side
Well lately I have been lingering in what I like to call the dark side of my bipolar mind. I have been having half and half weeks. Half good and half horrible. I have had weeks like this before its no surprise or anything. Its just that when I am feeling horrible, it gets more deeper faster into the dark side than I would like to be. This mood is not a good one to be in because it makes me think of all the bad things that I have done and how much or a screw up I am right now. Nothing but negativity.
For example my husband and I were having an okay day but I could feel it coming and I was trying my best to keep a lid on it because I was in a nice calm mood all day. Later when we got home a lot of little things started to irritate me and then all of a sudden a rush of rage came over me in a matter of seconds. I stood no chance at controlling this mood so quickly. As time went on I kept going to my husband for help and he didn’t understand so I got so much more upset and then of course terrible things just start flying out of my mouth for everyone to hear and possibly get hurt. After a while no one wanted to be around me so I sat outside by myself trying to calm down. Instead of calming down, my mind played like a slideshow of memories of me doing or saying anything bad or negative to the people I love most in this world. Then the thought of me dying didn’t seem so bad. That was the scariest part that I hate about this mood. It overwhelms me with guilt and then it makes me think that they would be better of without me because of the things I’ve done and the person that I am being. Then my rage quickly turns into a depression and I think of the easiest and most secretive way to kill myself.
The first time that I had this mood, I acted on it and ended up in the mental hospital. So I keep this to myself and I don’t know what or how to handle it. All I do now is keep myself at a distance and just don’t do anything at all. I end up not hurting myself (takes a lot strength to do that) but my mind continues to race for couple more hours of guilty memories until I finally cry myself to sleep. Stay strong everyone!
The Bipolar Wife
So I personally think that I have been having my bipolar moods a little under control for the last week. I tried to be calm and my episodes have been minor to me. Compared to the big ones it was. However this week is a whole new story. I have been having this long endless fight with my husband and its been getting worse everyday. Usually we try to squash arguments before the night ends but not this week, and its only Wednesday! I feel like I have been filled with rage and sadness both on a very high level. To the point where I was going to spend the night on beach alone last night. Today I want to not live to see tomorrow. I’m sorry I’m just being honest right now with no filters.
My husband has been very impatient with my moods and my spending of money and me not working. Oh the list can go on and on of all the negative things that currently exist in our life because of me. I have been diagnosed four years ago and the other day my husband yelled at me out of frustration and said “its been four years, when are you getting better?”. I didn’t know how to respond because I thought I was doing better but I guess not. I honestly started doing little things to help and I am constantly turning to God and trying new things to be able to remain calm and not have problems. But for some reason it just keeps happening. One thing after another, everyday. He makes sure that I know how much times I mess up everyday, and I don’t need a reminder of that followed by a comment.
As I was thinking about my marriage, I wondered if maybe he doesn’t fully understand and is very frustrated or our marriage is starting to end. Which makes it hard because I am trying so hard and he keeps telling me to try harder and harder. I’m exhausted already. On top of that my self worth is spiraling down the drain.Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and I would marry him again. He is usually very supportive and positive. So maybe he is going through his own thing too. But I really hope things change soon because its not looking good at all. Were slowly drifting apart faster than we know.
My doctor told me that in order to love someone, you have to love yourself first. If that’s true then there’s my problem right there, I don’t. How could I love myself when at times I can be so full of negative and evil? And keeps letting their family down everyday? To me that’s not a life worth living at all. Lets keep up the fight!
Love of My Life, Light of My Life
A letter to my husband:
Through the depths of the darkness is where I am
It seems impossible to escape when there’s nowhere to stand
As I make my way through the darkness of my mind
I’m losing sight of everyone I love and all that’s mine
My life is like watching everyone live a life without me
While I’m fighting to come back to you, but it won’t set me free
I continue to do everything the best I can to survive…
And then it tells me that my life would be better if I wasn’t alive
Waking up everyday hoping for a new start
When I come to, I realized that I already broke your heart
Blinded by my evil thoughts each day
Makes me do things that I rather not say
Please don’t give up on me… I’m still here!!!
Cause a future without you is my biggest fear
“In sickness and in health” is what we promised
That is what I’m holding on to, to be honest
Because God made YOU stronger than any man
So just remember, HE is STILL here holding your hand
God knows what’s in every man’s heart
HE was there when we promised to never part
As for your my darling husband and love of my life…
This poem has been written from the heart of YOUR wife
Honey buns… keep your light shinning bright
As long as your here… I’ll never give up this fight
If God doesn’t give us things we can’t handle
HE gave you the courage to lend me your candle
Once my candle is lit, there will be great times to endure
Then we can finally live, love, and laugh, that I’ll ensure!
Don’t think I don’t see every little thing you do
That just assures me that your love is definitely pure and true
Love your wife
Define Normal with Bipolar
So my question to you is…define what is normal after you have been diagnosed with a mental illness. Yes you will get medication and treatment to help you get better, but how better can you get? Can you go back to what you used to define as normal or is their a new normal standard? Is being on medication and getting counseling treatment the most normal you will possibly get or can you go back to what you thought was once normal?
So I have been on my medication for a while now and the doctor said that I should be good at this specific dosage. Also I am taking a counseling session every week ( I have missed the last two weeks or so). I do feel a lot better than I did a few months back. A whole lot better! However, I was just wondering if that’s the best I will be. Of course I have been doing a lot of meditation and listening to my calming music (that seems to help me stay on a positive note.
Most of the time I am in a great mood and I am as calm as can be. However when there are issues (sometimes ) I tend to go off into a rampage and I cannot control myself. I get so mad from the inside out. Or there are times when someone could just say an opinion about me and I will take it personally and let it bother me for however long or at least until my depression symptoms start going away. Or I get so irritable so quickly and I become so distant and need space from everyone.
Due to these things happening on a daily basis, I wanted some input about this topic. Maybe I am not strong enough yet?, maybe I still need to work on myself?, will it always be somewhat like this?, does anyone else feel like this?, I could really use some advice and opinions about this. I am very open to suggestions. Hope you all have a great day!
Well Hello Me!
So long story short, right now my doctor thinks that I am on the correct medication and dosage for my bipolar. She said that I should be feeling a lot better in a few weeks time. It was either 4-6 or 6-8 weeks to kick in. It has been about a month now.
I can feel myself slowly coming back to feeling how I used to feel. Without all the anxiety and depression and all that fun stuff. My days have been more calmer. But don’t get me wrong I still get those feelings just not as strong and not as often. I also feel myself still a bit sensitive and scared to get out there. I must say it has been a tremendous feeling to have all my heightened symptoms come down a few levels. It does actually feel more manageable. And when I get upset sometimes I am able to figure out my trigger and relax before I explode with my anger. Feels great to be able to do that!
Another thing that I am supposed to be doing is finding hobbies for myself. Stupid right? Well I guess not for me. I seems like I have no hobbies. For example, I don’t really watch television and if I do it’s something the kids or my husband wants to watch not me. So I am supposed to be searching for things that make me happy and I enjoy doing. It has been kind of hard because I have never thought of what I want before. I just thought the kids and my husband should have first choice not me. So it’s simple things like that that made my doctor tell me to find hobbies.
Something that I am trying right now that I do enjoy is this journal called The Mindful Life Journal. It is very simple and easy to follow. It also makes you take time from your busy day to reflect and see where you are in your thought process each day and each night. It only takes a couple of minutes. Check it out if it seems like something you might like. Also I have been heavy into my music lately. Always need to have it on at home. It helps me to relax throughout the day.
With all that being said, it does feel great to have come this far and feel this great. I mean looking back from where I started, man I was in such a dark place. Now I can see that and I am thankful that I am better and not worse. I know I still have a long road ahead of me and I still have to learn to live with it cause it ain’t going nowhere. But I just had to take the time to reflect on a positive outcome rather than a negative one. I wanted to focus on my achievements during my journey rather than only my mistakes and downfalls. Lets keep fighting this fight! It’s not an easy one but we can do it together!
Backward Steps
Well today I am going to write about taking steps back instead of forward. Only because that’s where I am right now. It is so frustrating and annoying. I want to get back on track to get better or to the best I can possibly be. I feel like I started to create my fire of motivation and now I’m losing it. Help… I need it back asap!
So I have been doing good for the last month or so. My doctor finally found a dosage that she thinks is fitting for me so I just needed to give it some time to kick in. In the meantime I have been practicing meditation to be able to control my anger and be more patient. I need a lot more work but I see that it actually does help me some. Also, I have rekindled relationships that I have lost throughout the years. I am trying to be a better person overall. Just trying to change the side of me that is negative and be a more positive person most of the time. Now I know my psychologist said not to take on too much at once, I don’t think I am though.
Lately, I am unable to stay positive through certain daily situations. For example, when my kids do their chores, they do it half ass. I get instantly irritated because I have shown them many times before how to do it correctly but they don’t. Only when I start snapping already then they move their butts and then do it right. But why do you have to wait for me to reach a level that I am trying so hard to avoid? I know they are just kids, but mine aren’t 2 or 3, their 11-13 years old. Things such as chores should be automatically done and done right. Anyway after I yell then I feel bad.
As for my husband, I feel like he expects me not to mess up anymore. Honestly, I have been feeling a lot better and a lot like my old self again. However, I am not 100% yet and I will still make mistakes and piss him off. I am truly from the bottom of my heart not trying to upset him or make promised that I can’t keep. When I make promises to him I whole heartedly have every intention of keeping that promise, but sometimes more than others, I break that promise. It would be awesome if he could just be a little more patient with me because I feel like I am on that road to recovery, just hang on a little more. But every time I make a mistake he gets upset and I get anxiety or upset or super mad. Then as you can see, it doesn’t end well.
So Dear Family,
I know I put you through hell and back with my bipolar ways. It was not an easy path to take with me but you did. Every single day I am thankful for that and I will always love you all for being there for me through this. But I am not fully better yet, so please just wait and be patient because I can see a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. When I say that, I know my bipolar will always be a part of my life, but I feel more in control and more like my old self. There are a few adjustments that I want to make from my old self as well because this experience has changed my life and my view of life forever. So lets finish this fight strong and not let it beat us, lets be strong together so we can beat it.
Love,
Your Wife and your Mom
Perfectly Imperfect 