The Dark Side

Well lately I have been lingering in what I like to call the dark side of my bipolar mind. I have been having half and half weeks. Half good and half horrible. I have had weeks like this before its no surprise or anything. Its just that when I am feeling horrible, it gets more deeper faster into the dark side than I would like to be. This mood is not a good one to be in because it makes me think of all the bad things that I have done and how much or a screw up I am right now. Nothing but negativity.

For example my husband and I were having an okay day but I could feel it coming and I was trying my best to keep a lid on it because I was in a nice calm mood all day. Later when we got home a lot of little things started to irritate me and then all of a sudden a rush of rage came over me in a matter of seconds. I stood no chance at controlling this mood so quickly. As time went on I kept going to my husband for help and he didn’t understand so I got so much more upset and then of course terrible things just start flying out of my mouth for everyone to hear and possibly get hurt. After a while no one wanted to be around me so I sat outside by myself trying to calm down. Instead of calming down, my mind played like a slideshow of memories of me doing or saying anything bad or negative to the people I love most in this world. Then the thought of me dying didn’t seem so bad. That was the scariest part that I hate about this mood. It overwhelms me with guilt and then it makes me think that they would be better of without me because of the things I’ve done and the person that I am being. Then my rage quickly turns into a depression and I think of the easiest and most secretive way to kill myself.

The first time that I had this mood, I acted on it and ended up in the mental hospital. So I keep this to myself and I don’t know what or how to handle it. All I do now is keep myself at a distance and just don’t do anything at all. I end up not hurting myself (takes a lot strength to do that) but my mind continues to race for couple more hours of guilty memories until I finally cry myself to sleep. Stay strong everyone!